The last few weeks have been extremely emotional ones. I have seriously weighed the option of calling my blogging days to a halt amidst the anger, and venom I have been the recipient of from people I thought were my “friends”. For that matter, the last 3 months have been tumultuous at best…heartbreaking at worst. It must be time for me to go skiing, and get back to my otherwise rich and fulfilling life where I was only required to make myself happy, and not to morph myself into being, and saying, and doing what everyone else thinks I should do, and be.. As much as I often times lecture other people on their need to turn on their brains, and allow some fresh air to blow through their ears, I find myself strangely needing the refreshment of taking my own advice.
As I mentioned last December, from the time that I was about 11 years old, I began keeping a journal to record my personal thoughts, hopes, and dreams… my victories and defeats… my highest highs and lowest lows… extreme happiness, and indescribable pain. Every major event in my life chronicled so that the message, and the lesson from these events would be remembered, and not forgotten. The when and where I first discovered my dear friend Christian, all the way through my cancer scare last year. If I had to write the years epiphet right now it would read something like “The Year of Betrayal” or “The Year I Learned the Value of Privacy”. Of course like everything in my life I take full responsibility for both the good and the bad, and try to find something positive to take away from even the worst possible events. I refuse to characterize 2011 right now because there was so much more good than bad, and so many more positive things than negative, it would be unfair to myself, and all of those wonderful memories, to not celebrate all of the good by shining a positive light that direction.
As I always do, I have spent these last few days sitting down and reading through all 15 volumes of my journals to remind myself of who I was, who I am, where I came from, and the events that have formed what I stand for and what I believe in. I laughed at some of the things I used to think were so important, I cried again over heartaches and missed opportunities. I reflected on some of the milestones and memories I have collected: my first kiss …my first love…. becoming a woman with reproductive abilities… losing my virginity… graduating from college, and graduate school, the places I’ve been, the things I’ve seen, people I’ve known who have loved me and who have patiently and unselfishly invested their time and efforts to make me who I am. These people and experiences collectively make up my history, have sharpened my intellect and shaped my character.
On the cover of each year’s journal I have tried to define the year and the lessons and experiences it brought. I have had the “Year of Loss and Despair”, “The Year of Smelly Bodies and Overcooked Food” etc. Last year was “The Year of Personal Growth” as it helped me to gain a better sense of what God’s plan for me was and is. This year my definitive statement for 2011 has yet to be written as I refuse to allow the hurt and bitterness I feel take on more import than it deserves. In the midst of all of the acrimony, double dealing, and betrayal I have also discovered many genuinely first class people who have both the wisdom and moral certainty to talk the talk, but more importantly, the courage to walk the walk.
In the hurry up world we live in, it’s so easy to take our eyes off the ball and lose track of our personal values, and ideals that sometimes it’s necessary for God; in his love for us, to get our attention by allowing us to experience pain(both physical and mental). I know and love God… and God knows and loves me… we talk every single day. I have always considered myself to be his “fille aux yeux de biche”(doe eyed girl)…his little “zychik”(bunny). Like everyone else of faith I have found myself in so many situations and circumstances where I have questioned, and wondered what it was he wanted me to do and why different things have happened. I have discovered that in spite of my lack of the proper plumbing, I want to be a mother and raise a large Catholic family. This next year I plan on seeking a suitable host to make those dreams a reality. I am also more certain than ever in both the goodness and evil that exists in man and in my need to defiantly keep my private life private. The ends that evil will go too in order to attempt to visit suffering and pain on others is regrettable and thankfully also avoidable as well. Most of all I have discovered an inner strength I always hoped I had but was never sure.
I’m not going to go into detail about all of the lessons I’ve learned, or the personal growth I have experienced this year, because many of those lessons are private and belong to me. Those of you who know me, know what they are… and have seen evidence of that growth in my writing, general demeanor, and carriage.
The purpose of this entry is to encourage everyone to take the time, and expend the energy to take an objective look at themselves, to learn and grow, and in the process hopefully become a better person in God’s eyes. Our time here is short, wouldn’t it be a huge waste if we didn’t take advantage of it to evolve into better people? …. Merry Christmas. I will be writing more in 2012 than ever and I thank everyone who takes the time to read what I have to say. 2011 saw my one day readership of this blog rise over the 2,500 mark! Thank You All!