Why Attorneys Have Such Terrible Reputations…They Earned it!
This is not a rant. It is the result of years of observation.
“Wait’ll you hear about the lawyer who billed a client for the time spent having sex together!
I was sitting on my deck last night trying to come up with the top 3 reasons that I dislike attorneys so thoroughly… I mean they all can’t be puffed up empty suits like _______ can they? …You know the kind who loves the sound of their own voice?…I mean not ALL of them?
Do you think that attorneys ever gather together in large numbers where they scratch their heads and wonder out loud why their profession ranks them lower than used car salespeople and TV Evangelists in life’s hierarchy of respected professionals? Is it even conceivable that these (mostly) former C students are blind to the contempt most of us feel towards them? Nah! They can’t not know …can they? It sort of begs the question
“How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories”.
“Hey did you hear the one about the terrorist at the annual bar association meeting who took everyone hostage? He wanted a million dollars and a private plane with pilot. He told the police that until his demands were met he was going to release one lawyer unharmed every hour.”
Perhaps I just haven’t met any of the good ones yet? The ones I have met have been greedy, grossly overpaid, rude, dishonest, lecherous, lazy, incompetent, criminally motivated, and curiously conceited and narcissistic for people with such limited candle power, such gross personal failings and such an uninspiring wardrobes.
And those are just the ones who practice law. Unfortunately, many of them also go into politics. They are worse. You see, to be a lawyer, you have to shed some of your concepts of honor, truth and integrity (but only as they apply to you). How is it possible for us to take the least trusted and most corrupt group of individuals on the planet and allow them to convince us that they should be left in charge of governing and regulating themselves …Their disciplinary process is, by and large hidden from public view? We are told to “trust them” to clean their own house yet they are the first ones standing in line to dictate to everyone else how to clean theirs.
“I had a dream the other night that a man I didn’t know (an attorney) had died and was being taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer (let’s call him Bruce shall we) snuggling up to a beautiful woman. ‘That’s unfair!’ he cried. ‘I have to roast for all eternity, and that steaming load of human garbage lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman. ”Shut up,’ barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. ‘Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?’
“How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture? Just say “Fees!” …
“What’s the difference between a lawyer and a liar? Pronunciation.”
“What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra? Taller.”
“Do you know what’s wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and everyone else thinks they’re not jokes”
“What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? Both have a big head that consists mainly of mouth.”
“What can you say about 1,300 lawyers buried up to their necks in cement? Not enough cement.”
“What’s the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? The vulture doesn’t get frequent-flier miles.”
“How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side. Then he lies on the other.”
Add your own…it’s fun for the whole family!
In the court of law, whether civil or criminal, lawyers don’t fight for justice. They fight for money. Whoever is getting them paid. It doesn’t matter who they are defending. They’re good to the degree they win cases. And in the real world it’s not as romantic as a “David against goliath” idea or anything cutesy like that.
The laws of the United States rest on a system in which earlier cases define the policies and rules for the next cases.
So, if someone was compensated ten thousand dollars because they had a foreign particle in a chicken nugget, then it can be used as policy from thereon.
From that logic, you can see that a courtroom is not a battle of finding the truth. The defense lawyer is there to discredit, disprove, disavow and disqualify the case. The other is there to prove grievance, to prove damage, to prove problems, liability, etc.
In this conundrum, the alteration of truth, integrity, facts, can be twisted, omitted, altered, enlarged and debilitated to the extreme.
That’s why you have some of the wackiest court judgments and settlements
So, the lawyer is seen as a very lowly creature. A creature whose god is only money. Because to be one, you can’t really be a person that’s self-conscious about one’s own actions in this world. Like the banker, the petroleum exploiter or the gun manufacturer.
Yes, they work hard to become lawyers. Even harder to become good. But an efficient cannibal is still a cannibal.